I’ve decided to do something a little different with this blog. I wanted to give you all a sneak peak into my now. Lately, I have crossed paths with quite a few people that are clearly shocked at how well I look, how I sound and how I’m doing. I’ve also had the pleasure of conversing with a few that has shared their honest opinion with me. Which is that they thought I would be completely messed up giving the circumstances surrounding my perceived divorce. Nobody really expected me to come out of this hardship on top. Truth is, I would have stayed in a state of devastation… I would have died from a broken heart. There were days that I laid in my bed without fail, days without eating or drinking and totally disconnected from the world. I’m always asked how did I overcome it. The answer IS simple; Jesus the Christ, my Lord & Savior!
At twenty nine I went through a heavy early mid-life crisis. Nothing that I had wanted for myself had happened. Well, except being a wife and mother. Seems like I was always sacrificing my dreams for the dreams and stability of others. It was then that I realized how blessed I was. It hit me that two short months after my fifth birthday that my mother had passed at the age of twenty nine. Suddenly, I had something to celebrate; at twenty nine, I was healthy and two of my three babies were over the age of five. There was hope. Sadly so, within a year trouble hit my home and my marriage and unfortunately my family never recovered from it. 2017 the year of my thirty second birthday was the year of hell. A year of the great challenge. A year of the great press. THEE year that I watched my funeral being proceeded (the burial didn’t come until 2018). A year that I will never forget. A year that set me up for my greater! I quickly became frustrated with my life because I really didn’t know my own identity. I had become so lost in my title of being mom, wife and caregiver that I completely lost my sense of self. Being those things were so important to me and it only made sense that this is WHO I was. So I did what I was encouraged to do. I began to ask the Lord to show me myself the way He sees me. That only pulled back another layer of false identity. This time realizing that I didn’t even know who Jesus was for MYSELF. I knew who He was based off what I was taught and I knew how to pray based on what others said and I knew His name because I heard others speak it. BUT I didn’t know Him for myself. Somehow I came across the story of Jesus asking Peter, “who do you say I am.” (Matt. 16:13-20) I embarked on a journey to be able to answer this question for myself. It was anything but easy. Spiritually pregnant with purpose I felt every ounce of pain from being stretched out. My heart, my mind and my spiritual body was preparing to give birth! What’s funny is that for most of my thirty third year living I walked around thinking that I was still thirty two years young. I was so caught up in “woe is me” and continued to ask the question… “why me Lord? Why at thirty two years young, would you allow this to happen to me? What am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to live after this? This is all I know.” LOL, I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had reached a milestone in my life. A milestone at thirty three, What are you saying Starr? What I like to call my “Jesus ministry” was coming forth. (We all have one… think about it.) At thirty three Jesus began His ministry. For years, prior He had to be prepped and pruned to be in a position to answer the call. Christ had to be FERMENTED for His ministry. He had to go THROUGH what He did in order to accomplish the promise that He made to His Father to redeem “ME!” I look back on the history of my life, I now see that The Lord was preparing me for SUCH A TIME AS THIS! Had I faced this type of heartbreak before? Yes. Did I come to know rejection and abandonment all to well? Absolutely. Would I have chosen my marriage as the sacrificial element to learn the lesson that I needed to learn? Never! But it HAD to happen. God saw what I couldn’t, knew what I didn’t and is NEVER caught by surprise… as I. What the enemy meant to destroy me, God IS using to sustain me. Everything is working out for my good. My fermentation process has reached its life span of maturity and now it’s time for what’s in me to come out of me.
So I say all that to say this… I am who I am TODAY… shaped by every bad decision, mistake, being pawn in another person’s game, my good, my bad and my ugliest… NOT aside from who God predestined me to be but in combination WITH who He predestined me to be… I AM ME! Raw, real & uncut. Life has not slowed down on account that my wounds need time to heal. Hardship has not let up on account that I have been through so much. Life is still lifey and it’s coming full steam ahead. What makes the difference is that I have the peace of God. The peace that He speaks of in John 14:27. It allows me to face every up, down and turn around without feeling the need to throw in the towel. You really should try it!
I learned a valuable lesson the other day and now my writing has an even greater purpose. My FORGIVEN sins have to have a journey of their own. They are purposed to be an example of the redeeming love of our Savior.The publishing of my story has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with revenge. It’s not in effort to point the blame, put me on a pedal stool and be victim. It is about taking all that I have experienced, great and small and allowing it to be used for the glory of God. It is to help break the bonds that the enemy has placed on the minds and hearts of my Lord’s people. It is to witness to you all that our hope is not just IN God the Father but that He IS our hope through Jesus Christ. I’m not here to convince or attempt to convert your beliefs. Just to plant the seed. I am here as an instrument of The Lords very own heart. A pardon of faith, grace, mercy and forgiveness. Many of us have suffered MUCH pain in our living and it has caused us to turn away from our creator. We have set out to prove that God isn’t real or that He doesn’t love us the way His word says. Today, I challenge you to do the exact opposite. SET OUT TO PROVE THAT HE IS REAL AND THAT HE DOES LOVE YOU. I don’t promise you that it will be easy but if you make the commitment to take the FIRST step your Father will take the next. He will meet you right where you are. Broken, wounded, lost and lonely. Before you know it you will look behind and notice two sets of foot steps following. There will be times when you will only see one. Those are during the times that He is carrying you because He will never leave you. I can promise you that. Ask me how I know! If you don’t know if you can make it, just take a glimpse of my life and there you will find your answer.
Peace, Love & Blessings!