(Introduction) What can I say? We as people have so many different dynamics to our true being that we tend to only tap into one part of who we are… Seemingly or instinctively the minute part… The part that speaks to the mask that we wear daily. The introverted part of our personality that dares not admit, even to ourselves, who we TRULY are. Think about it. The truth hurts, no? We are creatures accustomed to shying away from anything that causes us pain. I have been on this journey of self reflection/spiritual fertility for quite some time now. The most meticulous grandeur of revelation that I have been blessed with in this dimension of my life is the three part identity crisis that most of us will come across but not fully accept. It’s one thing to hear, experience and feel the opinions of the world (family, friends, strangers, foes…) about you. As, I have said before it’s another position to see the reflection of yourself and recognize the beast staring back at you. OUCH! But it is the most self damaging yet spirit led OCCURRENCE to come into the full knowledge (or any degree for that matter) of how God the FATHER sees you. #StraightNoChaser He is going to give it to you REAL, RAW AND UNCUT. It’s scary but it’s necessary. The awesome thing about God’s vision of you is this; He is a God that sits high AND a Father that looks low. Which tells me that He has the ability and authority to rule from His throne and STILL be close to my… our hearts. Have I said enough? Enough to shake you to your senses? Enough to get you to understand that salvation IS personal? It requires you to expose yourself to Him without the mask, without the smile, without the front or any other type of “covering”. It requires being totally naked and dirty with our sin stained selves but understanding that even in that He deems us the apples of His eye. And, also believing that we are the reason that life was extracted from death so that we could not just survive but be elevated here and now… in the midst of ANY circumstance.
With that being said, I want to share something that may put a face to my words.
Through my relationship with my children, more distinctly with my eldest girl child, is where the Lord reveals to me my own spirit of disobedience. Every time I have experienced a heartbreak from her, the Holy Spirit would in turn reveal His heartbreak from me. The level of disappointment was relatively connected through this three cord string.
As parents, it is very disheartening to know that in spite of the sacrifices you make to instill morals, dignity, respect, integrity & character into your children, they yet choose to operate from rebellion and/or negative influences. This is how our Father in heaven feels when we operate from that same will.
One day, just recently, I had a thought. It was a simple thought that came to mind a few days after I experienced one of the greatest heartbreaks a parent could ever receive from their child. And that thought was this; what if WHEN you get it right, she gets it right? You see, my heavenly Father holds no punches with me. He knows that He has to give it to me in the raw for it to stick. As hurt as I am about it, the lesson in it was vital. It made me mull over my relationship with God. Why is it so hard to do the right thing by Him? As loving, kind, righteous and faithful as He is, what could it be? I understand the truth of being born into sin but for me, in this moment something is different. There has to be more. I do not proclaim to be as great of a mother as God’s “parentalship” over me but it hurts nonetheless.
Immediately I thought about a prophetic word that was spoken to me. Actually, as I typed this very paragraph the Holy Spirit (because my mind could’ve never made that connection so well) reminded me of it. “Every time God is about to elevate you, you self sabotage. He is about to reveal some things to you and He wants you to hold your feet” Evangelist Denise or my SISTA ELDA as I affectionately refer to her as, had spake. The two are divinely connected and I need to find out how and what I need to do to change that (to be discussed-prayerfully by the time I finish this final series of my memoir). Yet again, a very distinct characteristic that my daughter and I share. When ever her and I reach the point of elevation in our trust and understanding of one another our relationship succumbs a major blow caused by her bubonic pestilence and my sometimes unconventional reaction to it, we hit a brick wall. Of course I am not saying that she is always to blame, I am however speaking on the specifics that the Holy Spirit has placed before me.
As I grow in my faith and in my spiritual relationship it undoubtedly gets more challenging than before. Is God expecting perfection out of me before I see His promises manifest in my life? No, I am not referring to materialistic blessings. If you’re understanding of what blessing are, is simply based on things of matter and not of the heart you have no clue what this spiritual walk is about. I encourage you to dig deeper. My heart longs for the day when it can be free: Free from my own self inflicted heartbreak: Free from the chains that have instinctively kept me venturing off into the world of imminent seduction: Free of the involuntary manslaughter of my vision, hopes & dreams.
I will stop here. You may have picked up that this post is an excerpt from my third book that I have not released title of. I shared because I was led by the spirit. There is so much more of you that God desires for you to connect to. Don’t be afraid of the good, the bad and the ugly as it is a necessary detriment to your stagnancy but fertilizer to your being. Bless up!